Almost Human Made Me Swoon

aka: Ten Reasons I Fucking Love Almost Human, thank you Rachael Acks.

1. In four out of five episodes, Lady Cops stay inside the precinct. The future is dangerous, so I appreciate being shown a future that Protects, Values, and Nurtures the ladies. Yes, they can wear guns, because the Future is Dangerous, and if someone busted into the precinct and went all Die Hard, it would be a Dude (agency + action = dude), and Well, the Future is Dangerous. (see: Episode #3, “Are You Receiving.”)

2. Mostly, Lady Cops relay information from one dude cop to another dude cop. They stand at their screens much like Princess Leia in the final Star Wars battle. So regal! So composed! Fly straight into the chaos? No way. I shall refer you back to point #1. It’s hard to stand there and look beautiful in all that intense lighting, usually pouring up from a technical console, but they do it so well. They never break a sweat!

3. On Almost Human, lines of importance are clearly drawn. Lady Cop is Important To Hero Dude Cop = Miraculously Gifting Hero Dude Cop With Agency and Motivation and Bad-assery. The Blacklist recently did this as well and I swooned both times, let me tell you — swooned. It’s hard to watch television and wait for this moment; knowing it’s coming, but never exactly when. Edge of the seat viewing!

4. Almost Human expertly distances us from human relationships. It’s astounding the depth they find when they explore intimacy issues. Sexbots and sex clubs and the importance of a Man’s Size. You know what I’m saying. Run that Cialis commercial that tells us it’s okay to abandon our bench-staining project if the time is right for him.

5. The Hero Dude Cop has very specific things to do with the ladies that fill his life. If the lady is a Lady Cop, she will greet you with relief and enthusiasm (and possibly tears!) after you’ve had a hard day in the field (see point #1: the Future Is Dangerous). If the lady is your Dead Partner’s Widow, she will look at you with a “finally goddamn it” face when you come to speak to her son about the Important Works his Father Also Did. You will know you’ve done the right thing because of her, Hero Dude.

6. This might be the thing I love best about Almost Human: if the lady is a Lady Cop on Almost Human, she may also have the important role of Sekrit Crushpants. I cannot overstate the importance of being Sekrit Crushpants, because if the Hero Dude Cop isn’t lusting after someone he works with and isn’t picturing her in lewd positions as he tries to do his Very Important Works, he’s unfulfilled as a character. As a HUMAN. Almost Human rocks this like a rocking horse.

7. Sometimes, Lady Cops are given brilliantly awful things to say in opening credit voice overs and when your disembodied voice OPENS the show, what else is there to do, really.

8. The mad scientist is always a dude! Dead on, Almost Human. It’s funny, because sure they could have put a lady in that role, but then she would have been COOKING drugs (episode #4, “The Bends”) and everyone knows ladies don’t cook drugs, so very well-played. (I cannot wait for the sandwich episode. Don’t spoil me!)

9. When robot cops fill the streets, they will be men. We know this to be true — Terminator taught us this, too. We aren’t going to talk about Terminator 2, because clearly that was all aberration and Linda Hamilton arms, and I am about to digress, so I’ll stop right there.

10. Who doesn’t love a haunted Hero Dude Cop? And the idea that his Special Lady screwed him over? She’s not fridged — just missing? We’ll see. If Almost Human really wants to play this one right, she’ll be fridged, because if she’s not dead, there’s a problem, and I see no problems on Almost Human, so.

Monday nights on FOX, people. Go, go, go!

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