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Walking Through It

Resolutions? Nah. Goals? Yes.

Begin as you mean to go on, and go on as you began. It’s solid advice, right, but starting can be tricky as heck. 2019 is very much a blank slate for me. I’m starting over in so many ways, and it’s exciting, but also terrifying, because who knows what’s over that mountain I’m about to climb? (It’s either a chasm or another mountain, right? Maybe it’s a river…maybe there’s a BAKERY. I digress.)

Dearest Lindsay sent me an amazing thing as 2018 wound down; I don’t usually take much stock in astrology, but HOLY HECK, this Leo post from AstroPoets:

If you’ve felt trapped in 2018, you won’t in 2019. Trapped in the sense that you know there’s more you can do, but various personal and professional obligations have held you back from your true ambitions. This new year is a return to those ambitions and to your very healthy Leo resolve. When you decide to do something, you do it. There haven’t been as many yes people as you’ve needed around. This has been difficult for you, as you thrive on encouragement more than any other sign. Learning to say yes to yourself, without applause, is important. It’s small and it’s daily. It’s a very big lesson you’ll learn at the start of this year. Don’t forget that there are people who would risk anything for you, and that to achieve your biggest ambitions, you have to risk everything for yourself, too. There’s a green door. Walk through it.

[stares in Leo]

This really speaks to me — on fronts that I can talk about (Shimmer) and those I don’t really have permission to (oh ho cryptic). Especially the applause part ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Also — the green door? We’ll come back around to that in a minute because yeah. We will.

So, goals! (Goaaaaaaaallllll!) One goal is surely starting to eat like a human person again, and not a mindless beast who is inhaling everything that crosses their path. A related goal is to get back into the gym, because my body and brain are both happier when I move. Gymbrain is a great thing (endorphins??); everything wakes back up.

I want to return to short stories this year: writing them, and (oh my gosh) reading them for pleasure. Don’t get me wrong, I loved reading for Shimmer, but reading for pleasure is an entirely different thing (which is maybe why I’m enjoying the hell out of Moby Dick). Reading when you’re assembling a specific magazine is not exactly reading for pleasure; you may love the stories, but they may not fit the puzzle you’re building. Reading for pleasure is just allowing the story to take you where it will. I’m reading How Long Til Black Future Month? by NK Jemisin to help me with this goal. I want to see how stories work from a craft POV again — not an editorial POV.

I’m also…writing a book? What? It’s the first book I’ve written since I finished writing Folley & Mallory, and well. It sure is a thing. I am filled with doubt and wondering why anyone will care about this book when nothing I’ve written has garnered much attention. Why do I keep on? Why do I do this thing? That’s also a goal: to remember the WHY. I just love writing, right? I’d do it if no one read it and it never sold, so that’s a big answer, and one I need to sit with. (Learning to say yes to yourself, without applause, hello.)

But this new book. I’m kind of pantsing it, y’all. I have some basic ideas, and know my characters, and my setting, and there’s kind of a plot, but there’s certainly nothing as formal as an outline yet. I’m trusting myself (!) to know how this all works; I’m kind of leaping off the top of that mountain and seeing where the descent takes me. Just to remember what it is to fly?? We’ll see.

But that green door.

This is one of the first images I kept when I was poking around with the new book’s aesthetic. It’s an image I painted in ink during Inktober. It’s a green door. I’m walking through it.

I have the key, but what’s inside?
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2018 Loves

Ahhh, it’s that time of year when the book or story you poured your heart into isn’t on anyone’s favorites list, wheeee! It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

I’ve read less this year so far, but that was intentional, given I had a book of my own to write (and did, thank you very much). The most notable change in my reading was reintroducing myself to poetry, perhaps no surprise, given a good local friend writes it. Hanging with them definitely was an influence (peer poet pressure perhaps). Here’s some of what I loved, even if it wasn’t published this year, even if it isn’t on any other list.

Poetry:
Finding Baba Yaga, Jane Yolen
Take Me With You, Andrea Gibson
Prelude to Bruise, Saeed Jones
The Dream of Reason, Jenny George
Eating in the Underworld, Rachel Zucker

Stories:
“Mothers Lock Up Your Daughters, Because They Are Terrifying,” Alice Sola Kim, Tin House
“A Witch’s Guide to Escape: A Practical Compendium of Portal Fantasies,” Alix E. Harrow, Apex Magazine
“Siren,” Alex Acks, Sword & Sonnet
“This Lexicon of Bone and Feathers,” Carlie St. George, Sword & Sonnet
“With Lips Sewn Shut,” Kristi DeMeester, Apex Magazine
“A Dead Djinn in Cairo,” P. Djeli Clark, tor.com (2016)
“Down Where Sound Comes Blunt,” G.V. Anderson, F&SF
“Frozen Meadow, Shining Sun,” Emily McCosh, Beneath Ceaseless Skies
“The Bodice, The Hem, The Woman, Death,” Karen Osborne, Beneath Ceaseless Skies
“It’s Easy to Shoot a Dog,” Maria Haskins, Beneath Ceaseless Skies

Novels:
Circe, Madeline Miller
Blackfish City, Sam J. Miller
The Mere Wife, Maria Dahvana Headley
Blood Binds the Pack, Alex Wells
Creatures of Want and Ruin, Molly Tanzer
The Terror, Dan Simmons

Non-fiction:
A Journal of Solitude, May Sarton
The Cooking Gene, Michael W. Twitty
The Faraway Nearby, Rebecca Solnit



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2018 In Review

The year that was at least three years long.

Apparently it’s the season when we recount all we’ve done in a year, and 2018 was a strange one for me. I don’t feel accomplished at all. I don’t do the work that garners awards, but nevertheless, here is the work I did.

This spring, Black Static published my novelette “Sanguinary Scar,” set in a flooded New York City. It is a story of women, their bodies, and taking back consent.

In May, The Dark reprinted “The Sea Half-Held By Night,” set in a bleak Canada where a whaling community is haunted by the horrors it has wrought.

In July, Beneath Ceaseless Skies published “Speak Easy, Suicide Selkies,” which is the selkie story I never intended to write. It is about women, their bodies, and taking back consent. I sense a theme here?

This July also saw the publication of The Quartered Heart, the fifth book in my Folley & Mallory series. It has three reviews on Amazon — “unrelentingly grim,” says one reader. I spent most of the year writing the final book in the series (also grim!), which should be out next year from Apokrupha.

This fall, Black Static #65 included “Marrow,” which is the little lost drone story you’ve always been hoping for. I’ve been told I don’t write horror, so I’m not sure how you’d classify this one at all. After the apocalypse, there’s a long way left to fall. (Yeah, I forgot to include this in my original post, so this is an edit to add it, holy shit where’s my brain. I love this story and if you follow that link above, you can see the smashing artwork it got. TTA Press has sincerely amazing art direction.)

This year, Sword and Sonnet was published; it is a beautiful collection of battle poet stories, all speculative in their natures. I edited this book alongside Aidan Doyle and Rachael K. Jones. I learned a lot in this process, too — I learned how to trust what I already knew, from all my years at Shimmer.

This year also sees the end of Shimmer, which I can’t even type without still tearing up. I have edited Shimmer for twelve years, and it is a hard goodbye, even though it’s time. We never did as much as I hoped we would. I have worked with so many wonderful authors, and fellow editors, and have learned much, about myself and others. I learned who liked me for me, and who liked me because I was an editor.

It has been the longest year.

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Cobwebbed

“Write your story,” the WordPress prompt says. Okay, here’s my story.

Francesca Woodman

This year, my writing pals and I started a group, at the behest of one person who’d been saying since last year that we were all writers and needed a group, by gum. We’ve met four times now, and I think it’s keeping most of us on track with completing new work and meeting goals.

I have spent the summer thinking about a novella I want to write, and in many ways it’s a personal story, although it takes place in a distant year, in a world far different from our present one. It’s science fiction, and also not. It depicts the slow illness my mother struggles with and how it will eat her from the inside out no matter what we do.

I put together a rough outline to present at our recent group meeting, and while I knew there were some gaps in my ideas (it needed bridges and brainstorming, to get from one riverbank to the next), I wasn’t prepared for the “there’s nothing new here” comment.

I am pretty sure no one wants to hear those words leveled at their work, and I was certainly taken aback. A week and change later, I am feeling less enthused about the work than I once was. Despite another group member suggesting some excellent bridges across my weird river of plot, I look at the piece now and think “there’s nothing new here.”

Of course, we tell the same stories over and over; this is not a failing, I don’t feel. Harry Potter was not “new,” by any definition — this is the story that G.K. Chesterton told us we needed because it proves that dragons may be slain. Narnia and Middle Earth showed us the same. Beowulf showed us the same. Does that invalidate all stories that come later and tell us the same?

Maybe I should have asked for clarification — but I was really too surprised to say much, ha. What the comment has done, in addition to taking the wind out of my sails, is make me consider how I have approached crits in the past, and how I should do so in the future. Crits should attempt to help the writer put the best version of their story forward. How can I help this writer refine this idea, without telling them it is lacking, because who makes that kind of judgment? We write what we write for reasons that are not always apparent; perhaps I felt the comment so sharply given my personal intentions for the story, of which this person knew nothing.

Perhaps the comment will be helpful in the end; how can I add to what I have already, how can I make it into something new, though the ideas at the heart of it may never be that. How can I show this idea in a new light, from a new angle? How can I strip whatever cobwebs there are off and show how the silver still shines?

Which is, perhaps, the thing we do with writing every day.

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What You Love

(Well first, holy shit, this WordPress editor is all new — I’m playing around with Gutenberg to see how it works, so we’ll see. Hey, drop caps. Midway in: well Gutenberg won’t let me even make a link, so that’s not the function we’re looking for, WordPress.)

They tell you to write what you love. That the love will shine through the work and all will be well. That people will see what you love and how you love and they will also fall in love and it will simply be a lovely explosion in every way possible.

Except sometimes it’s not. I wrote what I loved. I mashed all the things I loved into one glorious thing: ancient Egypt, Victorian steampunk, creepy gods who roam the earth, dogs and dog men, impossible love, honey, correspondence between ladies who are the best of friends, meteorites, ancient astronomy, curses, the divide between real history and the history told by the winners, time travel, weird tombs, glorious food, women who are monsters and the men who love them, mothers and daughters and granddaughters and the ties that bind, the disasters of colonization, girls disguised as boys to make their way in the world, archaeology, skeletons both real and metaphorical, hidden cameos by real life historical people, airships, addictions, awkward  and hot gentlemen.

I wrote what I loved and it didn’t really go. Where do you go from there?

Sure, we don’t love one single thing, but it feels like starting all over, doesn’t it? How do we start? It’s too big. How does anyone ever write a novel? And yet, my shelves are full of them.

Okay, that was telling: I typoed “selves are full of them.” And well. Maybe that’s where you start. Because that calls to mind Ani DiFranco’s “32 Flavors.” I am thirty-two flavors and then some.

The new book is one that has plagued me for years — and I don’t know if I’ll talk about it much here. We’ll have to see how it goes. What I do know is, it has started talking to me, maybe because it knows it’s finally on deck. Its time has come. I keep finding fragments of the book everywhere, in other books, in poetry, in the world around me. All signs point to doing this thing, and what’s the other option, really?

As Alex likes to tell me, you’d just be writing another damn novel, so you might as well leap into this one. Because it’s been in my brain for so long. Why not.

A thousand why nots, omg — it could fail like the last one did.

But yeah yeah yeah, it could also fly. Someone said that about something once. Ultimately, it’s the writing we love, no matter how maddening that is. Help me, Jean-Luc, you’re my only hope!

 

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Creed

When Assassin’s Creed Origins was announced, I was pretty excited. A game set in ancient Egypt? With a setting where you can just explore and not worry about Romans or gods trying to kill you? A game where you can wander around and pet cats, and scritch your pet falcon under the chin?

ACO provides the best of all possible worlds: you can fight Romans and gods, you can slay crocodiles, but you can also be chill and climb pyramids, and wander temples, and swim in the Red Sea. You can dive into shipwrecks (you can discover an underwater beer cache), you can learn about honey making and farming. The world here is huge and ready for exploring — and gets two more layers with expansions (the Red Sea is part of one expansion).

I could probably write entire books about this game, but I think I will talk about the Curse of the Pharaohs/The Hidden Ones expansions mostly, because they tie into the very novels I’ve been writing for four years. Anubis lurks in the shadows of the main game — you see him in statues, and only briefly in the underworld, but then you add the expansions and lo, there are jackal guards stalking you when you enter temples; they are golden and fierce, created in Anubis’s own image. When you explore tombs, you pass through cracks of light to find yourself in various Egyptian afterlifes. (Later, jackal guards slip back into the real world to stalk you there!)

The Duat is the afterlife that factors most heavily into my own novels, so it has been a real kick to wander Ubisoft’s version. The Duat is a kind of purgatory, where souls wait to be judged by Anubis. It’s filled with all kinds of strange monsters — Ubisoft has included sacred blue lotus everywhere, and the cities appear built into the skeletons of giant beasts.

The jackal warriors wander here, too. It was startling to see them, given the way I’ve written about Anubis and the Duat.

You can also explore Aaru, the reed fields where ships move as if in water, where those who were balanced in life spend the rest of eternity. Huge scorpions move through the reeds, antelope concealed until you startle them into motion.

You also get Aten, which is the disk of the sun; this realm is the complete opposite of the Duat. Where one is shadows, this one is blinding sun, the disk taking up most of the sky. In the afterlife, you also acquire a DEATH HORSE for your mount; Bayek wonders how he can ride such a thing, for he is still living.

OR IS HE.

I haven’t played the expansion to the end yet, but I begin to wonder if Our Hero has met with calamity. (I think Kadesh is the final realm we get, but I am not sure!)

The other hugeness of the expansion for me was the opportunity to explore Thebes, which also got me wondering if we’d be allowed across the Nile into the Valley of Kings, WHICH meant we might get to explore Hatshepsut’s temple??

Like Anubis, Hatshepsut and her court play a large part in my Folley and Mallory books; it’s her court Anubis draws them to, for Very Specific Reasons. When this location came up in-game, I shouted. I got chills. I never expected this to be part of ACO, and to find myself about to explore it… Beyond cool.

It’s not historically accurate, but I totally don’t care; it’s a little weird that they didn’t build the Anubis Chapel, given Anubis’s presence elsewhere in the expansion, BUT I can see why they didn’t — they kept the temple innards simple, because the story that plays there doesn’t require more. AND YET, this temple is lovingly made with a good eye on history, because you’ve got those rows of Hatshepsut pharaohs, you’ve got the ramps, you’ve got Mentuhotep II’s temple right nearby (that’s the wee pyramid), and it’s all extraordinary. (But apparently the discovery tour doesn’t reach there, boo!)

It’s a great game and these expansions are fantastic. If you have any interest in ancient Egypt, Ubisoft has done well by it. I’m looking forward to seeing how they handle Greece in Odyssey, too!

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Crones

Leia Organa Solo

We are not taught how to age gracefully. Our culture tells us what has value: beauty, youth, health. Here’s how to mask your wrinkles. Here’s how to hide your gray hair. Never matter that wrinkles come from a body in motion. Never mind that hair losing its color is wholly natural — and happens to some people at early ages. Have some plastic surgery! You’ll be better in no time!

We are not taught how to love our bodies as they get older. We are taught that our peak is a ridiculously low number, that being one of the thirty under thirty is vital and necessary and desirable. If you haven’t published by the time you’re 25, you are surely doomed. If you haven’t found your Dream Job, your Dream House, your Dream Date by the time you’re twenty-one, all is misery.

Chrisjen Avasarala

We know nothing when we’re twenty-one. We know only a little more when we’re twenty-five. The world is vast and we will have seen almost none of it as we emerge from school (if we were so lucky to attend). We are told that what has value is youth! Beauty! We are not taught that experience has its own value, that scars and wrinkles are evidence of a life well and fully lived. Smile lines are not a curse — you smiled so much, your skin made a memory of it.

Beverly Crusher and Jean-Luc Picard

We rarely see older women in loving relationships, because we rarely see older women. We are shown that they are mothers, grandmothers, and do not have sexual or romantic partners because that time in their life has passed. We are taught that older bodies are not as beautiful as younger bodies. We are taught that slender bodies are the only bodies capable and worthy of physical affection. We are not shown how to operate bodies outside the norm, bodies with fault lines.

We are taught that giving something up because we can no longer do it is a failure. We are taught that coming to the end of a life is traumatic and that by merely becoming older, as is the way of every thing in this universe, we have failed. Physical beauty — the kind that is valued, because there is beauty in so many things — is temporary. Youth is temporary, no matter how we chase it with creams, salves, and ointments. “Youth and beauty are not accomplishments,” Carrie Fisher reminded us. “They’re the temporary happy byproducts of time and/or DNA. Don’t hold your breath for either.”

Queen Ramonda

We are perhaps taught that all things come to an end, but never how to handle those endings. How do you stop doing something you’ve done for most of your life, because you can no longer safely do it? “I am angry because I am old,” my mother says, and when I jokingly say it’s better than the alternative, she now says she isn’t quite so sure. She is tired of everything. Tired of trying to live inside a body that has become a stranger. Tired and perhaps scared, because she remembers her grandmother coming to live with them when she could no longer be on her own; afraid of that old woman in the den who bore no resemblance to the grandmother she remembered.

Yubaba

Neither are we taught how to deal with memory, and what happens when sixty years ago feels more present than what happened yesterday. What did you have for dinner last night — I don’t know, but let me tell you about what it was like to move to a completely new community when I was a new bride, when my hair wasn’t gray, when I could stand up straight and walk across the world without assistance. And so we sit and listen, and keep that memory for when she will no longer be able to.

We are not taught how, but we try every day.

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Dear Amazon

Dear Amazon,

Yesterday, you told me that Rings of Anubis could be had for $4! Well that’s deal, I thought, and I went to look at the page, thinking I would advertise the sale to my five readers. Only, when I got to the page, I saw the book was no longer part of Prime, and that Amazon was not, in fact, the seller.

Huh.

I wrote to my publisher, asking if the book was going out of print — it was the only thing that made sense at the time, that perhaps only used copies were now available. (It’s not the case.) While I waited for a reply, a poked around the page a little more and discovered that there was still an Amazon option for buying the book, further down the page and for more money, where someone who has already seen a $4 deal is probably not going to wander.

Well, that’s bullshit, I thought. My publisher wrote back and said, “it can happen.” Talk about some shrug emoji.

I asked my online writing group about it, and was pointed to this article from Publisher’s Weekly, and then later found this other piece PW did. Apparently it’s a thing you do, Amazon, and apparently it’s not going away.

I asked my publisher what could be done about it, and it’s still radio silence on that front. What can we do about this, Amazon?

Reading more online though, it makes me wonder how this random seller got copies of my books. I have a guess, but haven’t been able to confirm it.

Hundreds of copies of Rings of Anubis were donated by my publisher to a fundraiser built on geeks and their works. Super cheap books for someone — anyone — to buy, to support this charity and their humanitarian efforts around the world. The author sees no royalties from such a donation, or the sales that follow. And people who buy those books can do anything with them, including resell them on Amazon. Is this what happened? I don’t know.

What I do know is, Amazon, I will likely see no income from those copies sold on your platform. Rings of Anubis was not a bestseller; it had no marketing support and no big fanbase; the book has all of 16 reviews in its four years of life. Rings of Anubis is nothing in the scheme of publishing. But it was my debut novel, so means something to me even though it was a failure. It was a story that Apokrupha believed in and wanted to see the conclusion of (book five comes out soon! Book six, the end, is nearly written!).

Amazon, you are engaged in a seriously dishonest business practice and you’re probably cackling because there’s not much I, a super tiny author, can do to change it. But maybe readers can. They can stop supporting your bullshit practices that cut the author out of the equation. They can support their local independent booksellers, who understand that without authors, there are no books.

Fuck you, Amazon. Fuck you for doing this to me and countless others.

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Groove

Francesca Woodman, photograph

Francesca Woodman

Two weeks ago, I slipped down the stairs — because who doesn’t love doing that, really — and bruised my tailbone. The bruises have only just shown themselves, and it was kind of a relief to see them, and say “oh hey, that really did happen, and I’m not quite nine hundred and three years old after all.”

I suppose I’m bad when it comes to believing in things unseen, sorry Jesus.

I started this blog a week ago, with its title, and now I’m like “Well, what the heck was I going to talk about,” and I’m pretty sure it was this: I wrote eight days in a row on the sixth F&M book (clearly a groove), and made a ton of progress, while also moderately liquefying my brain in the process. Last weekend was writing; this weekend just past was for recovery (which apparently involved a lot of Expanse episodes — they’ve entered book three, where things get INtense. It also involved Solo with my peeps — I thought it was a great escape, very fun).

I used to think that writers had to write every day. I don’t find that to be useful any more — though your mileage may vary. For me, I fill up, I write, my brain gets empty, and then I fill back up so I can put out again (dirty).

Of course, now it’s hard to sit for long periods of time. I find myself needing to stand and move a little more, lest my black and blue behind get very angry with me. This results in finding another kind of groove, the one where you put Madonna on the turntable and relive your youth.

But then Madonna helps fill that well, too, and the book words rush back and you’re excited over structure and mothers and daughters and grandmothers and you think, if you are very-impossibly lucky, you will be able to pull the book out of your head and put it onto the paper exactly as you see it.

Do you know how rare that is?

Will it happen?

We don’t know! I hope the suspense lasts!

But it sure has been going well so far. I never love the middle of novels, but this one is flying and singing, and maybe it’s because it’s the last book, that all the worries have fallen away, and maybe it’s because I know the characters so well now that they just do their thing when I’ve got them on the page. These books have taught me a lot.

As I write F&M #6, the fifth book is soon to launch — I’ve seen the cover art for The Quartered Heart and it’s beautiful and you will not love it as much as I do, but I hope you will look at it and believe it is a book you need to read. TQH is about love and loss, it’s about discovery, and how success can feel very much like failure. It is about losing, and picking yourself up and carrying on anyhow. It is a book about life, the universe, and some very angry jackals.

Soon.

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Weight

I used to really enjoy lifting weights. There’s something comforting about it, which… I know that sounds weird. But it feels good to have moved iron around. And to look at me, you’d certainly never think oh my this lady likes going to the gym, but I used to — until all the other weight I was carrying kind of lodged me in place.

By weight, I mean everything I’m doing — I looked back at my previous post here, and had a come to Jesus talk with a couple of friends, and there’s a plan going forward, but it’s scary, because that’s what the unknown does best, right. There is an abyss out there and the only way across is via clever metaphors that people may never read or understand..erm.

In weightlifting, you don’t put the heavy plates on first, of course. You work your way up to them. Sometimes, as you increase weight, you can only do one rep at this new, heavier weight, but that possibly marks a personal best, given you’ve never hit that weight before. Still, that weight may also be too much; you might not be there yet. You may never get there.

But you look at the others in the gym, adding plates and squatting 300 and you think damn that looks awesome and you wonder why you aren’t doing that, why you can’t do that, and remind yourself that all bodies are different, and that yours is unique because it’s not as strong in places as it used to be, so you lift much less, and watch as others lift even moar, and have support in doing so (stronger thighs and backs, back braces, and wrist guards and spotters and and and).

Is this a metaphor? Is this weightlifting alluding to something else entirely?

And what’s with the Fionna and Cake picture, Elise, really? (I love Fionna and Cake, c’mon, but also you know who they almost are — the stars of the show — yet they’re not that, but still are comfortable being who they are, because they have the support of everyone who also isn’t the star of the show and — God, what’re you even talking about at this point…)

Watching everyone else is part of the problem. Someone can lift 300 because they’ve trained to lift 300, and maybe you feel like you should be at that level because how many years have you been training? But you still can’t do it.

Some backs aren’t meant for that kind of weight.

So you look at the weight you can carry, and the additional weight you have been trying to bear, and you figure out what has to be set aside before you can actually move forward, before you can be not lodged in place.

You wonder, who will I be without this burden I have been trying to carry? Who will I be with a smaller bundle on my back?

And it’s probably terrifying, but look, you can walk straighter without it.

Adventure Time,
C’mon grab your friends,
We’re going to very distant lands…

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